Decisions

After my Thursday debacle, I've done a lot more research and decision making. Sorry if this is TMI, but on Friday morning, I, being 6 mo post-menopause, started my period. Ohhhhhhhhh, THAT explains a lot.

Part of the reason that I am as calm, clear-headed, happy and inspired as I am is because my high levels of estrogen dropped considerably in the past year.

I did a lot more research on the diet, and was told by two people that I wasn't doing it right (which I agree). The successful people are those who follow it to the letter. However, since I spoke with my naturopath/homeopath who says that the homeopathic drops are not homeopathic in any sense that he understands or recognizes, I'm going to do even a lot more research and thinking.

I did find that the majority of the menopausal women who experienced a renewal of their cycle were on the drops. Having a period really confused me because I thought the hCG was reproducing a pregnancy-like state. I think all these drops did was elevate certain hormones (LH especially) instead of producing the desired state. After all, a homeopathic remedy is like the "hair of the dog that bit you," in that it uses a substance which is like your malady, in order to stimulate healing. Anyway, I'm not sure about all that.

What I DO know, though, is that I have been very happy with my life and who I am for the last year, and that is for the first time in my entire life. So anything that produces a surge in previously quelled hormones is not really welcome to me.

I'm not saying that it is completely out of the question for me -- I'm saying I will have to talk to the right doctors and find the right information for me to try it again. And that I'll use a different form of the hormone if I do try it again.

For now, I'm going to follow more of Dr. Mercola's suggestions. When I read his site, I realized what I was eating that was likely keeping my weight on. My protein and fat levels are good, but I still probably consume too many starches, and I do love fruit. I eat a lot of bananas for their potassium, and likely too many potatoes in soups.

I'm going to try the Miracle Noodles to replace more of the rice and potatoes in my diet.

I have increased my exercise considerably in the last 4 months, but I'm going to increase it more. Thursday night, after talking to an hCG counselor who told me it sounded like I was protein deficient, I had a bowl of black beans, brown rice, and pork. My sour mood abated within 10 minutes. The next morning I walked a couple of miles up near the top of Tombstone Canyon and back. I hadn't had that much energy in a long time.

So I'm back to discovery phase, but I've requested a phone consult with the doctor who treated an entire family with the hCG diet. I'm ordering a diet journal so I can keep track of everything, and I'll keep walking up Tombstone Canyon and researching the best diet for me.

None of this is said to discourage anyone from doing the hCG. I know people who have lost anywhere from 70 to 160 pounds on it. I know people who have lost between 20 & 40 pounds on it. It does work if you do it right; of that I'm convinced.

But having just started my own media agency, plus all the writing contracts I'm taking on, I need to be at my peak -- not fighting hormonal surges and depression for several months.

Again, I eat almost wholly organic and virtually no processed foods. I eat small meals instead of large. I have no hunger. So I'm already living a healthy lifestyle. A few more tweaks in my diet and a major increase in exercise will likely make a large :-) difference eventually.

Gather unto yourself gentle memories filled with love and grace, or wild and harmonious moments filled with the beauty of the earth, so it is of these things you dream when you are old.

As I lay down briefly earlier today in order to rejuvenate myself while I waited for my sugar 'n' spice rolls to rise, I was listening to a particularly beautiful classical piece, first with guitar and violins, culminating in cello and harp. It tripped softly through my mind, elevating it to the ethereal while my consciousness swam.

I have been examining my subconscious through my dreams of late and am learning a lot about dreaming and about myself. This was stimulated by recent watchings of some of David Lynch's offerings as well as of the 2010 movie, "Inception."

But this desire to understand my subconscious has another motive. A while back, I spent about three years working as a certified nursing assistant. I worked with many elderly people, often some with dementia, and/or medicated with strong psychoactive drugs. One very predominant thing I noticed was that their subconscious most often projected fear.

The men with whom I worked, were often at the age to have been in combat in WWII or Korea. Not surprisingly, their projections were often from combat related scenarios. Surprisingly, though, even more often, I found them projecting what I would describe as a secret mission/spy/conspiracy theory kind of scenario involving aliens, covert ops, stolen nukes, etc.

Women's projections were very different, almost always involving children, and more often than not involving being separated from their child/ren and worrying for the child/ren's safety. Many, many times, this was a waking subconscious projection in which they felt they (the women, themselves) were being held against their will and not allowed to protect or find their children. One woman was so convinced that I was keeping her from her children that in her panic, she beat me about the head and shoulders with her cane.

No matter how lightly I describe these things, please know that they were very real and very frightening to the person experiencing them and very haunting to me observing them. I remember thinking that I wanted to cultivate pleasant memories and lay subconscious fears and failings to rest so that if I come to that stage in my old age, my projections will be more kind and harmonious.

And so it is that I have embarked on this quest to plumb my subconscious and to heal my memories. I will share it with you from time to time, when I think perhaps I have touched on something universal. But in reading what some psychologists have to say of dreams, I know that some of it does not apply to me.

I surmise that everyone dreams differently, and that the metaphor often would apply only to one's own experience. However, I have learned some eye-opening things from these same psychologists that have proven very useful. I suppose it's like when I search online for a recipe -- I look at several recipes for the same thing, gleaning what others have done, and doing what, from my own experience, I think will work best for me.

But I am resolved to cultivate pleasant, unstressful experiences in my life, and I vow to heal those things and let go of those things which might cause me to feel guilt or fear. As far as societal things I can't control, I will remedy what I can, prepare myself as far as I can, and refuse to fear that which I cannot. As far as the past which cannot be changed -- it is important to amend those things which we can, forgive and let go of our own hurts, let go of judgments of those who have hurt us, and to move on when others cannot forgive us.

Clinging to fear and judgment, projecting them onto those different from themselves, surely comes from our/their own unresolved hurt and resentment over very personal things which, when we cannot deal with them, we cover over, and the sentiment surrounding them becomes a projection at large.

Many look to God to heal our nation -- we must begin by healing ourselves. To  heal ourselves, we must understand what lies within. Examining our dreams is a way to begin.