It is suddenly as if all the chaos and riot of ideas that have been swimming in my head for nearly 20 years have suddenly amalgamated into this rolling wave of creative energy.
It seems that sword that I stuck in my own back (metaphorically speaking), since withdrawn, has become a tool for personal power and creativity rather than a weapon of self-destruction.
I compared a previous tarot reading to one I received today. The 9 of Swords (self-torture) has given way to a reversed 10 of Swords, meaning that an anticipated goal, previously aborted, has been renewed. I am triumphing over forces larger than myself. This was followed by the Ace of Swords, implying the use of creative resourcefulness to reveal opportunities unseen by others. That is exactly what is happening in my life right now.
In 1993, after my second and final separation from my husband, I birthed the idea of establishing my own religious order (I was a Christian then). A Catholic nun friend of mine, my favorite wisewoman of all time, looked at my hand-written plan and chuckled -- "I see. You want to be the Pope of the Peninsula." (I was living on the Key Peninsula in Washington State.) Not really Pope, just Mother Superior. ;-) Hildegard of Bingen was my inspiration. I was still Evangelical Protestant then.
Now, nearly 20 years later, my vision is becoming reality. Well, not exactly Mother Superior -- my ego has been replaced with confidence and understanding. The opportunity was set forth on the full moon, and today (from the burgeoning effulgence of the new moon) I announced the inception of Bona Dea Temple. It has come to pass. It has been put into my hands, and I grasp it, not with a desperate clinging but with the wonder of a child being handed something to experience for the first time.
Much is done. Miles to go before I sleep. More soon.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Your Great Work
I have so much to share and no time to share it. Sitting here right now, I'm trying to think of the best and most succinct way to express this.
It's not coincidence, and it's more than synchronicity.
It's the veracity of "The Secret," but not in the overblown, popularized way it has been packaged.
It is dream made reality. But more than a dream.
Most of all, one mystical and mysterious word conveys it all: thelema. Believe me, I now understand this word to the depth and breadth of its intent. My life has become the embodiment of thelema. I am thelema.
I could write a book on it, but right now I'm too busy living it.
Please do note that I am using the term with a lowercase "t" to denote the concept itself. I am very much a Thelemite, but I know now that the word transcends any Order or organization or philosophy.
The Great Work is not a ceaseless striving. Your Great Work just "is." When thelema penetrates you to the core, your Great Work is the only thing that can flower from it. There can be false starts, but no failure. You and thelema are co-creators of your Great Work.
I have so much to tell you...
It's not coincidence, and it's more than synchronicity.
It's the veracity of "The Secret," but not in the overblown, popularized way it has been packaged.
It is dream made reality. But more than a dream.
Most of all, one mystical and mysterious word conveys it all: thelema. Believe me, I now understand this word to the depth and breadth of its intent. My life has become the embodiment of thelema. I am thelema.
I could write a book on it, but right now I'm too busy living it.
Please do note that I am using the term with a lowercase "t" to denote the concept itself. I am very much a Thelemite, but I know now that the word transcends any Order or organization or philosophy.
The Great Work is not a ceaseless striving. Your Great Work just "is." When thelema penetrates you to the core, your Great Work is the only thing that can flower from it. There can be false starts, but no failure. You and thelema are co-creators of your Great Work.
I have so much to tell you...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Shooting in the dark: a personal account of managed care
I had a great relationship with the VA for the first 10 years. I had the same doctor for 10 years and there was great continuity of care. She went on to bigger and better things, and they brought in a new doctor who saw me a few times and then retired. Since then (for two years), I have never seen the same person twice.
Now, the lucky thing is, I'm not sick. I have hypertension and am overweight. I also take great care to research my own health solutions and use alternative care as much as possible. So it hasn't been terribly critical for me, but I wonder about the people for whom it is critical.
I think I may have mentioned before that I became concerned about my blood pressure several months ago. It was worrisome when I was daily staying at 145/95, despite my medication, which is said to be the "gateway to dementia." Then it jumped to 155/105 daily for a long stretch, then 165/115. I was getting scared. I went to see my "doctor" (or whoever was there at the time), and they jumped on the bandwagon and ordered a bunch of expensive tests for me -- MRIs (suspecting to find a stenosis of the liver, they said). They sent me to see a cardiologist. They wanted me to have stress tests.
The cardiologist laughed. After an EKG he pronounced that my heart was in exactly the same condition it was 10 years ago, and that I had suffered no heart damage whatsoever despite my longstanding hypertension.
So the Women's clinic upped my meds -- again -- and I went home. (I didn't go for the MRI -- it was ridiculous to cost them all that money when I knew they were shooting in the dark.)
So after my appointment, I went to see my son & family. I was telling the tale to my daughter-in-law who also knew that I was borderline diabetic (as do my doctors, of course). She listened to my story and said, "I just read an article on Dr. Mercola's site. I'm betting that you're insulin resistant, and the article was about the connection between insulin resistance and hypertension.
So, I went home and took Dr. Cassi's (my daughter-in-law who is just a very wise woman and not a doctor at all) advice to take 2 cinnamon capsules every morning and to start walking. My blood pressure came down 30 points the very first day I took the capsules and walked for 20 minutes. Within 3 days, my blood pressure was normal. Some days it stayed at 116/72.
Okay, fast forward. For 3 months, I walked and took the cinnamon caps (which control blood sugar) and started modifying my diet. Four months in, we had moved to Bisbee, and I was tackling those hills daily. I went to the VA for a follow-up appointment and was shocked to find that despite four months of serious diet modification and ramped up exercise, I hadn't lost an ounce. I was mortified. So one of the doctors (again, one I'd never seen before) hearing me exclaim about my weight brought me in to "counsel" me. So I got all the "calories in/calories out" "count your calories, reduce by 15%" lecture.
I asked her how reducing my calories in half and going from completely sedentary to walking up hill and down 20 - 30 minutes a day didn't work. Her response, "Ah, you probably are only burning 100 calories doing that." But clearly, I could tell by the way she looked at me that she didn't believe me that I was exercising and cutting calories. She then reviewed all my hypertension meds and gave me yet another one.
I came home that night, took the new "pill," and by bedtime, my blood pressure was 180/119. I struggled with it for 3 days, then when it just kept going up and up no matter what I did, I went to the ER here in Bisbee.
The doctor sat down with me and listened to my story. "Do you have a local doctor?" he asked. "You need to get some more personal care." I couldn't deny that the way things were going, to never see the same person twice was not good. "Otherwise we're just shooting in the dark," he said. He listened to me talk about my disappointment to find I'd not lost a bit of weight despite all the modification. He looked at my heart rate on the monitors. Resting heart rate: 48. He looked at my meds list again.
"Here's the problem," he said. "They have you on such a huge dose of Atenolol that no matter how much you exercise, your heart rate is not going to go high enough to raise your metabolism." Now everything started making sense. I remembered when they first put me on the Atenolol and it wasn 't working, they just kept raising the dosage. When it still didn't take care of the problem, they just started adding a bunch of other meds to it. Instead of removing or replacing the Atenolol, they just added to it.
"You need to have them get you off the beta blocker." Two EKG's and blood work later, he determined that I likely didn't need the Atenolol at all. I put two and two together. A beta blocker is for the purpose of lowering blood pressure, stopping chest pain, and giving a greater possibility of surviving a heart attack.
Well, with the two new EKG's and the VA cardiologists assurance that my heart was just fine, I decided that my heart was not at risk and that it was even possible that it was overprotected. I wasn't having chest pain (angina). I didn't take the latest med they had added at all (That would have made 4 different meds). First I stopped my evening dose of Atenolol. When my blood pressure stayed normal for several days, but my heart rate was still only in the 50's and only up to 70 after exercise, I cut out a portion of my morning dose, too. I dropped all together from 75 mg a day back to 25.
When I got back from my morning walk this morning, my heart was pounding. What a great feeling! I took my pulse, and it was at 100. My target heart rate for exercise is 114, so I'm getting there. Two hours later my resting heart rate is 65 instead of 48. That's more normal.
So, the moral of this story? Be your own best advocate. Do your own research. If you have to have care of any kind, find a doctor who sits down with you, who listens to you, who makes connections, who can analyze the evidence before him or her and see what the problem is. I think I would rather drive to Willcox to see this ER doctor a couple of times a year, paying for it out of my own pocket, than continue with the VA for anything major. Don't get me wrong, the VA has been good to me. but when "managed" care means "never see the same doc twice," it may be time to take matters into your own hands -- and by that, I mean doing your own research and getting better advice. True, I took myself off the Atenolol, but I had had my heart tested thoroughly by two different doctors who assured me that it was fine, and the recommendation from the ER doc. I don't recommend you taking yourself off of anything, ever. I'm acutely in tune with what is happening in my body, and I monitor my BP and pulse several times a day.
All the fight going on about the health care bill, managed care, "death panels", etc.? The bottom line is that you know yourself and your body better than anyone. Do your own research, make sure they listen. Making connections is what thinking is all about. When your doctor is not making rudimentary connections with what has gone before, they're not thinking -- they're stabbing in the dark. And know when it's possible that causes can be diet related, lack of exercise, stress related, and yes, even psychosomatic. Psychosomatic doesn't mean there isn't something wrong - it simply means that the cause is coming from something other than a disease pathology. And actually, that's good news.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Sword and The Stone
The older we get, we tend to feel as though by now surely we "should" have resolved all those stubborn childhood issues. We've struggled with them at length, placed them aside only to have them rear up again and again.
For as long as I can remember throughout my adult life, I have had high blood pressure (even when I was young and thin) and a stiffness in my neck and upper shoulders that defied even repeated treatments by a gifted acupuncturist.
I ended up in the ER twice in one week when, after 3 months of concerted lifestyle and diet changes and nice, stable lowered blood pressure it started skyrocketing again. I have little stress in my life, a whole lot of peace, and really, the normal things that bother people with hypertension have little effect on me anyway. It doesn't elevate with stress, caffeine, etc. So the second time I was worried, and so were the hospital staff. But after 6 hours of intense tests -- 2 sets of blood work, 2 EKGs, a chest x-ray and a CT scan, they pronounced that I seemed in perfect health.
A friend whose wisdom I trust mentioned that Louise Hay had said that hypertension could be caused by unresolved childhood trauma. I wanted to roll my eyes. What was I still holding on to? I couldn't even imagine. I mentioned in an earlier blog that after reading Eckhart Tolle, I had been able to let go of a huge issue that had haunted me for 40 years.
So I decided to see a hypnotherapist. I met Mark Ruhl and his wife Jo'Ann when she did a couple of radio shows for me last year. I was very impressed with them, and decided at that time that if I ever felt that I needed a hypnotherapist that I would make an appointment with Mark.
I was a bit apprehensive. I really didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of dredged up memories, and how important could they be by now anyway? It also flashed through my mind about the "false memories" people say have been created in therapy. I nearly canceled the appointment. But something in my core told me to go anyway.
The greatest relief was Mark's methodology. I don't know, of course, what he does with anyone else, and I didn't tell him of my apprehensions. But he chose, instead of plumbing my memory for possibly forgotten traumatic memories, to simply help me find and remove what he referred to as "attachments."
Once in the uber-relaxed, hypnotic state, which to my pleasant realization was more like a deep meditative state than a "going under" like we've come to expect thanks to Hollywood, he simply asked me to scan my body for any "resistance" and to describe it to him. Where was it? What color was it? What shape was it? Did it come from within me or from without?
The first resistance I felt was, of course, in my neck and upper back. When he asked me what color it was, I told him like a sickly, phlegmatic yellow. But that soon morphed into a bright hot, golden glowing metal and took the shape of a sword which seemed to be stuck into the nape of my neck with only the hilt sticking out, and the sword running down where my spine should be.
While I was visualising the sword, in an instant, Artio, my Bear Goddess of Berne, my patroness, guide and teacher appeared in a flash by my side, simply reached up and pulled it straight up and out of my body. It happened so quickly, I caught my breath and began to cry. She looked at me, not remonstratingly so much as teasing and asked, "Do you know how long I've pursued you to try to take this thing out? But you never let me get close enough."
It was amazing. The weight was gone, the stiffness was gone, that thing that had so long been a source of headaches and tension and irritability was gone.
"You may have once needed it," Mark told me, "but it has served its purpose and is no longer necessary." Then he asked me to take as long as I like and fill the void with something of my own choosing. I saw it being replaced with a smooth, round, translucent green tourmaline rod. Interesting that now that I look it up in my Crystal Bible, it tells of green tourmaline or verdelite as "an excellent healer and help for visualization. It opens the heart chakra, promotes compassion, tenderness, patience, and a sense of belonging. This nurturing stone brings balance and a joie de vivre." In reading the remainder of the description, which is too lengthy to record here, I am stunned at the characteristics which it enhances and heals -- all things which correspond directly to things I've so long struggled with. I think I had some guidance from somewhere, within or without, to promote that particular substance for replacement.
The second "resistance" was a bit less dramatic, it was a flat, round rock, dull grey, in the small of my back. I sensed it had been placed there. Because this came from outside instead of inside as the sword had, he said I had to decide whether I was ready to let go of it, and to tell it to leave. I said yes, quickly, but the truth appeared to be different. I witnessed hands grappling for the stone -- ones to pull it out, and others pulling it back, holding it there, unwilling to release it. The struggle took a few minutes, but the removing hands won. When he told me to take my time and fill the void, I filled the whole lower lumbar region and into my hips with a healthy green tree trunk holding branches and leaves which I then watched as it grew down into my legs and feet, and upward, spreading across my back.
The session's work complete, and feeling an incredible lightness of being, I left. That was Saturday morning. Sunday night, I had the most lovely dream. You see, part of my going to see Mark was also my consternation at the fact that despite all the calm and peace in my life, I was having anxious, fearful, and often times violently threatening dreams. I would awake from my dreams exhausted.
In this dream, I perceived a threat of incarceration if I didn't escape the place I was being held. I remember, however, that there was no fear in it, simply an understanding of what I needed to do, and a sense of urgency about it. I went downstairs and found a swimming pool. It is interesting to note that this particular swimming pool that I found is one that often crops up in various scenarios in my dreams. Nothing attractive about it -- more like a chamber filled with chlorinated water than a place to have fun. But I dove in and went directly to a corner at the bottom of the pool where there was a door. I opened the door and found myself on a narrow strip of beach -- white sand with beach grass poking up through it. And beyond, the wide sea. I ran resolutely across the beach and dove into the water and swam. And swam, and swam, and swam -- every stroke making me feel safer and more confident. The basic scenario was repeated several times before I woke, always a bit different, but always ending up with me swimming for miles with a purpose and a destination. Finally as the dream receded, and I surfaced, I heard my own voice in my head saying, "I am free. This is freedom."
All day today I have felt an incredible lightness. But not in the usual euphoric, overenthusiastic way my overcompensating ego often works. Two different people mentioned today that I seemed to be in a really good mood. But it felt natural and whole.
It seems to me that it takes a village -- not only to raise a child -- but to live a life. I think of how this all came about -- one friend suggests a possible cause for my malady -- another has the skills to draw it out. People like me, who are self aware, tend to think we shouldn't have to have "help," that it's something we should be able to fix within ourselves. Well, true -- no one can fix it but us -- but sometimes the skills and compassion of others, of wise women and healers, are the gifts we need to allow ourselves.
For as long as I can remember throughout my adult life, I have had high blood pressure (even when I was young and thin) and a stiffness in my neck and upper shoulders that defied even repeated treatments by a gifted acupuncturist.
I ended up in the ER twice in one week when, after 3 months of concerted lifestyle and diet changes and nice, stable lowered blood pressure it started skyrocketing again. I have little stress in my life, a whole lot of peace, and really, the normal things that bother people with hypertension have little effect on me anyway. It doesn't elevate with stress, caffeine, etc. So the second time I was worried, and so were the hospital staff. But after 6 hours of intense tests -- 2 sets of blood work, 2 EKGs, a chest x-ray and a CT scan, they pronounced that I seemed in perfect health.
A friend whose wisdom I trust mentioned that Louise Hay had said that hypertension could be caused by unresolved childhood trauma. I wanted to roll my eyes. What was I still holding on to? I couldn't even imagine. I mentioned in an earlier blog that after reading Eckhart Tolle, I had been able to let go of a huge issue that had haunted me for 40 years.
So I decided to see a hypnotherapist. I met Mark Ruhl and his wife Jo'Ann when she did a couple of radio shows for me last year. I was very impressed with them, and decided at that time that if I ever felt that I needed a hypnotherapist that I would make an appointment with Mark.
I was a bit apprehensive. I really didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of dredged up memories, and how important could they be by now anyway? It also flashed through my mind about the "false memories" people say have been created in therapy. I nearly canceled the appointment. But something in my core told me to go anyway.
The greatest relief was Mark's methodology. I don't know, of course, what he does with anyone else, and I didn't tell him of my apprehensions. But he chose, instead of plumbing my memory for possibly forgotten traumatic memories, to simply help me find and remove what he referred to as "attachments."
Once in the uber-relaxed, hypnotic state, which to my pleasant realization was more like a deep meditative state than a "going under" like we've come to expect thanks to Hollywood, he simply asked me to scan my body for any "resistance" and to describe it to him. Where was it? What color was it? What shape was it? Did it come from within me or from without?
The first resistance I felt was, of course, in my neck and upper back. When he asked me what color it was, I told him like a sickly, phlegmatic yellow. But that soon morphed into a bright hot, golden glowing metal and took the shape of a sword which seemed to be stuck into the nape of my neck with only the hilt sticking out, and the sword running down where my spine should be.
While I was visualising the sword, in an instant, Artio, my Bear Goddess of Berne, my patroness, guide and teacher appeared in a flash by my side, simply reached up and pulled it straight up and out of my body. It happened so quickly, I caught my breath and began to cry. She looked at me, not remonstratingly so much as teasing and asked, "Do you know how long I've pursued you to try to take this thing out? But you never let me get close enough."
It was amazing. The weight was gone, the stiffness was gone, that thing that had so long been a source of headaches and tension and irritability was gone.
"You may have once needed it," Mark told me, "but it has served its purpose and is no longer necessary." Then he asked me to take as long as I like and fill the void with something of my own choosing. I saw it being replaced with a smooth, round, translucent green tourmaline rod. Interesting that now that I look it up in my Crystal Bible, it tells of green tourmaline or verdelite as "an excellent healer and help for visualization. It opens the heart chakra, promotes compassion, tenderness, patience, and a sense of belonging. This nurturing stone brings balance and a joie de vivre." In reading the remainder of the description, which is too lengthy to record here, I am stunned at the characteristics which it enhances and heals -- all things which correspond directly to things I've so long struggled with. I think I had some guidance from somewhere, within or without, to promote that particular substance for replacement.
The second "resistance" was a bit less dramatic, it was a flat, round rock, dull grey, in the small of my back. I sensed it had been placed there. Because this came from outside instead of inside as the sword had, he said I had to decide whether I was ready to let go of it, and to tell it to leave. I said yes, quickly, but the truth appeared to be different. I witnessed hands grappling for the stone -- ones to pull it out, and others pulling it back, holding it there, unwilling to release it. The struggle took a few minutes, but the removing hands won. When he told me to take my time and fill the void, I filled the whole lower lumbar region and into my hips with a healthy green tree trunk holding branches and leaves which I then watched as it grew down into my legs and feet, and upward, spreading across my back.
The session's work complete, and feeling an incredible lightness of being, I left. That was Saturday morning. Sunday night, I had the most lovely dream. You see, part of my going to see Mark was also my consternation at the fact that despite all the calm and peace in my life, I was having anxious, fearful, and often times violently threatening dreams. I would awake from my dreams exhausted.
In this dream, I perceived a threat of incarceration if I didn't escape the place I was being held. I remember, however, that there was no fear in it, simply an understanding of what I needed to do, and a sense of urgency about it. I went downstairs and found a swimming pool. It is interesting to note that this particular swimming pool that I found is one that often crops up in various scenarios in my dreams. Nothing attractive about it -- more like a chamber filled with chlorinated water than a place to have fun. But I dove in and went directly to a corner at the bottom of the pool where there was a door. I opened the door and found myself on a narrow strip of beach -- white sand with beach grass poking up through it. And beyond, the wide sea. I ran resolutely across the beach and dove into the water and swam. And swam, and swam, and swam -- every stroke making me feel safer and more confident. The basic scenario was repeated several times before I woke, always a bit different, but always ending up with me swimming for miles with a purpose and a destination. Finally as the dream receded, and I surfaced, I heard my own voice in my head saying, "I am free. This is freedom."
All day today I have felt an incredible lightness. But not in the usual euphoric, overenthusiastic way my overcompensating ego often works. Two different people mentioned today that I seemed to be in a really good mood. But it felt natural and whole.
It seems to me that it takes a village -- not only to raise a child -- but to live a life. I think of how this all came about -- one friend suggests a possible cause for my malady -- another has the skills to draw it out. People like me, who are self aware, tend to think we shouldn't have to have "help," that it's something we should be able to fix within ourselves. Well, true -- no one can fix it but us -- but sometimes the skills and compassion of others, of wise women and healers, are the gifts we need to allow ourselves.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Decisions
After my Thursday debacle, I've done a lot more research and decision making. Sorry if this is TMI, but on Friday morning, I, being 6 mo post-menopause, started my period. Ohhhhhhhhh, THAT explains a lot.
Part of the reason that I am as calm, clear-headed, happy and inspired as I am is because my high levels of estrogen dropped considerably in the past year.
I did a lot more research on the diet, and was told by two people that I wasn't doing it right (which I agree). The successful people are those who follow it to the letter. However, since I spoke with my naturopath/homeopath who says that the homeopathic drops are not homeopathic in any sense that he understands or recognizes, I'm going to do even a lot more research and thinking.
I did find that the majority of the menopausal women who experienced a renewal of their cycle were on the drops. Having a period really confused me because I thought the hCG was reproducing a pregnancy-like state. I think all these drops did was elevate certain hormones (LH especially) instead of producing the desired state. After all, a homeopathic remedy is like the "hair of the dog that bit you," in that it uses a substance which is like your malady, in order to stimulate healing. Anyway, I'm not sure about all that.
What I DO know, though, is that I have been very happy with my life and who I am for the last year, and that is for the first time in my entire life. So anything that produces a surge in previously quelled hormones is not really welcome to me.
I'm not saying that it is completely out of the question for me -- I'm saying I will have to talk to the right doctors and find the right information for me to try it again. And that I'll use a different form of the hormone if I do try it again.
For now, I'm going to follow more of Dr. Mercola's suggestions. When I read his site, I realized what I was eating that was likely keeping my weight on. My protein and fat levels are good, but I still probably consume too many starches, and I do love fruit. I eat a lot of bananas for their potassium, and likely too many potatoes in soups.
I'm going to try the Miracle Noodles to replace more of the rice and potatoes in my diet.
I have increased my exercise considerably in the last 4 months, but I'm going to increase it more. Thursday night, after talking to an hCG counselor who told me it sounded like I was protein deficient, I had a bowl of black beans, brown rice, and pork. My sour mood abated within 10 minutes. The next morning I walked a couple of miles up near the top of Tombstone Canyon and back. I hadn't had that much energy in a long time.
So I'm back to discovery phase, but I've requested a phone consult with the doctor who treated an entire family with the hCG diet. I'm ordering a diet journal so I can keep track of everything, and I'll keep walking up Tombstone Canyon and researching the best diet for me.
None of this is said to discourage anyone from doing the hCG. I know people who have lost anywhere from 70 to 160 pounds on it. I know people who have lost between 20 & 40 pounds on it. It does work if you do it right; of that I'm convinced.
But having just started my own media agency, plus all the writing contracts I'm taking on, I need to be at my peak -- not fighting hormonal surges and depression for several months.
Again, I eat almost wholly organic and virtually no processed foods. I eat small meals instead of large. I have no hunger. So I'm already living a healthy lifestyle. A few more tweaks in my diet and a major increase in exercise will likely make a large :-) difference eventually.
Part of the reason that I am as calm, clear-headed, happy and inspired as I am is because my high levels of estrogen dropped considerably in the past year.
I did a lot more research on the diet, and was told by two people that I wasn't doing it right (which I agree). The successful people are those who follow it to the letter. However, since I spoke with my naturopath/homeopath who says that the homeopathic drops are not homeopathic in any sense that he understands or recognizes, I'm going to do even a lot more research and thinking.
I did find that the majority of the menopausal women who experienced a renewal of their cycle were on the drops. Having a period really confused me because I thought the hCG was reproducing a pregnancy-like state. I think all these drops did was elevate certain hormones (LH especially) instead of producing the desired state. After all, a homeopathic remedy is like the "hair of the dog that bit you," in that it uses a substance which is like your malady, in order to stimulate healing. Anyway, I'm not sure about all that.
What I DO know, though, is that I have been very happy with my life and who I am for the last year, and that is for the first time in my entire life. So anything that produces a surge in previously quelled hormones is not really welcome to me.
I'm not saying that it is completely out of the question for me -- I'm saying I will have to talk to the right doctors and find the right information for me to try it again. And that I'll use a different form of the hormone if I do try it again.
For now, I'm going to follow more of Dr. Mercola's suggestions. When I read his site, I realized what I was eating that was likely keeping my weight on. My protein and fat levels are good, but I still probably consume too many starches, and I do love fruit. I eat a lot of bananas for their potassium, and likely too many potatoes in soups.
I'm going to try the Miracle Noodles to replace more of the rice and potatoes in my diet.
I have increased my exercise considerably in the last 4 months, but I'm going to increase it more. Thursday night, after talking to an hCG counselor who told me it sounded like I was protein deficient, I had a bowl of black beans, brown rice, and pork. My sour mood abated within 10 minutes. The next morning I walked a couple of miles up near the top of Tombstone Canyon and back. I hadn't had that much energy in a long time.
So I'm back to discovery phase, but I've requested a phone consult with the doctor who treated an entire family with the hCG diet. I'm ordering a diet journal so I can keep track of everything, and I'll keep walking up Tombstone Canyon and researching the best diet for me.
None of this is said to discourage anyone from doing the hCG. I know people who have lost anywhere from 70 to 160 pounds on it. I know people who have lost between 20 & 40 pounds on it. It does work if you do it right; of that I'm convinced.
But having just started my own media agency, plus all the writing contracts I'm taking on, I need to be at my peak -- not fighting hormonal surges and depression for several months.
Again, I eat almost wholly organic and virtually no processed foods. I eat small meals instead of large. I have no hunger. So I'm already living a healthy lifestyle. A few more tweaks in my diet and a major increase in exercise will likely make a large :-) difference eventually.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Doin' it wrong
Okay. Only 6 days in, and I feel like I'm doing this all wrong. I can see that I really need to detox first, and detox as I go along. hCG1234 has products for that.
My head is foggy, I feel logie, and I've been spoiling for a fight all day. So, I'm going to get the products and start over.
Not sure about the advice my friend's doctor was giving his patients, "Go home, eat a gallon of ice cream and start over." Whut?
Unfortunately, I've never been a do or die person (you know that old saying, "Mine is not to wonder why; mine is just to do or die"? Yeah, that has never worked for me. So I'm going to dig for some information and call the hcg1234 support line.
More later. I'm not in the mood to write. ><
My head is foggy, I feel logie, and I've been spoiling for a fight all day. So, I'm going to get the products and start over.
Not sure about the advice my friend's doctor was giving his patients, "Go home, eat a gallon of ice cream and start over." Whut?
Unfortunately, I've never been a do or die person (you know that old saying, "Mine is not to wonder why; mine is just to do or die"? Yeah, that has never worked for me. So I'm going to dig for some information and call the hcg1234 support line.
More later. I'm not in the mood to write. ><
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Day 5 - hcG
I had a fabulous walk this morning. I tried to gauge my energy level and didn't go too far. I turned around when I just started getting tired. So I only did 20 minutes, but it was all uphill going, plus there was the huge hill up to my house and the stairs down to it. (I decided I could do hill up and stairs down more easily than stairs up -- those are my two choices.)
It is soooo lush right now. Every yard is full of flowers. One large yard was wall to wall blooming blue morning glories. So gorgeous! I am lucky to live in this little oasis in the desert.
I wanted to mention that the homeopathic drops I purchased were the hCG1234 drops. A fairly newcomer to the market. I believe. They have a 24 hour support line for questions which is very cool.
It is strange, though, that there is so much different info out there. I know the hCG1234 diet strictly prohibits Omega 3 oils or supplements, and yet another site touts Omega 3 supplements as the remedy for ridding yourself of hunger and foggy head while on hCG.
So for lunch I had 100 g of red sockeye salmon and 2 rye crisp. I noticed I am eating my full quota of protein/fat earlier and earlier every day. The first day I ate my last protein at 5:30, yesterday is was 3:30, and today, I've already had the last before 2 p.m. That leaves 2 veggies and 1 fruit for my dinner and snack. (I had an orange for breakfast.) Hmmmm...as soon as I said that, I realized that I'm having 3 fruits a day instead of two. The first day I had two apples and then strawberries in my smoothie. Yesterday I had 1/2 grapefruit, an apple, and then strawberries/frozen peaches in my smoothie. This morning I had an orange, and the fruit in my smoothie, and I'm planning on an apple for my evening snack.
I think I'll do alright as long as I stay under 800 calories/day. My friend Wendy told me that her friends who exercised daily while on the hCG did 800 calories/day in order to have more energy. It did not seem to impede their weightloss.
The first day I had 730 calories, and yesterday I had 610. I've already had 512 calories today, but my salad and apple for later shouldn't be more that 130 calories, so I should be fine for a total of 642 calories.
I find I CAN live with no cream in my coffee since we buy a great organic, free-trade Dark Sumatran from Amazon. It's really tasty black, and I've NEVER said that about any coffee before.
Lots of good, brewed iced tea made with PG Tips -- England's most popular brand. I can drink that with or without my Stevia. I use liquid Stevia from Sweet Leaf. I've not really experimented with others because I'm quite satisfied with the Sweet Leaf. As little aftertaste as possible. And less is more. I've found I'm better using 4 drops instead of 6 in 8 - 12 oz drinks. And the stuff can be used to sweeten anything. I also use it in my smoothies.
I still haven't measured myself, and I must, or it will be a bit tough to gauge my loss without a scale.
So all-in-all, at this point I'm not craving, not starving, not tempted, not regretting. Everything is going pretty well. I feel happy and upbeat. But now I have to get to work -- I mean paid work. LOL. More soon.
Jade
It is soooo lush right now. Every yard is full of flowers. One large yard was wall to wall blooming blue morning glories. So gorgeous! I am lucky to live in this little oasis in the desert.
I wanted to mention that the homeopathic drops I purchased were the hCG1234 drops. A fairly newcomer to the market. I believe. They have a 24 hour support line for questions which is very cool.
It is strange, though, that there is so much different info out there. I know the hCG1234 diet strictly prohibits Omega 3 oils or supplements, and yet another site touts Omega 3 supplements as the remedy for ridding yourself of hunger and foggy head while on hCG.
So for lunch I had 100 g of red sockeye salmon and 2 rye crisp. I noticed I am eating my full quota of protein/fat earlier and earlier every day. The first day I ate my last protein at 5:30, yesterday is was 3:30, and today, I've already had the last before 2 p.m. That leaves 2 veggies and 1 fruit for my dinner and snack. (I had an orange for breakfast.) Hmmmm...as soon as I said that, I realized that I'm having 3 fruits a day instead of two. The first day I had two apples and then strawberries in my smoothie. Yesterday I had 1/2 grapefruit, an apple, and then strawberries/frozen peaches in my smoothie. This morning I had an orange, and the fruit in my smoothie, and I'm planning on an apple for my evening snack.
I think I'll do alright as long as I stay under 800 calories/day. My friend Wendy told me that her friends who exercised daily while on the hCG did 800 calories/day in order to have more energy. It did not seem to impede their weightloss.
The first day I had 730 calories, and yesterday I had 610. I've already had 512 calories today, but my salad and apple for later shouldn't be more that 130 calories, so I should be fine for a total of 642 calories.
I find I CAN live with no cream in my coffee since we buy a great organic, free-trade Dark Sumatran from Amazon. It's really tasty black, and I've NEVER said that about any coffee before.
Lots of good, brewed iced tea made with PG Tips -- England's most popular brand. I can drink that with or without my Stevia. I use liquid Stevia from Sweet Leaf. I've not really experimented with others because I'm quite satisfied with the Sweet Leaf. As little aftertaste as possible. And less is more. I've found I'm better using 4 drops instead of 6 in 8 - 12 oz drinks. And the stuff can be used to sweeten anything. I also use it in my smoothies.
I still haven't measured myself, and I must, or it will be a bit tough to gauge my loss without a scale.
So all-in-all, at this point I'm not craving, not starving, not tempted, not regretting. Everything is going pretty well. I feel happy and upbeat. But now I have to get to work -- I mean paid work. LOL. More soon.
Jade
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
So many things resolved
So many things are resolved in my life. I can attribute it to several factors -- my health and well-being is greater than I've ever experienced in my life.
One of my final hurdles to optimum health is my weight. Despite drastically changing my diet, and beginning an exercise program 4 months ago, I don't seem to have lost a pound nor an inch.
I know that I'm insulin resistant, and I have at last been able to equate my insulin resistance with my ever spiking blood pressure, and got that under control with exercise and cinnamon capsules (recommended by my wonderful, crunchy daughter-in-law!). So now that I have both presence of mind and time to implement, I began looking for the perfect diet plan.
I have never been much into "fad diets," and especially nothing that required outside intervention such as pharmaceuticals or surgery. I had lost 30 pounds on a low-fat diet, but gained it all right back after I stopped journaling everything. I had lost 30 pounds on the Atkins diet. I managed to keep that off for several years, until I abandoned the whole high protein/low carb scheme in a prolonged ice cream indulgence with my new partner.
I knew what to do this time, and taking a test on Dr. Mercola's site had identified me as a "Protein type." That went well with everything I knew about my eating habits. So eliminating certain foods, and upping the protein again, completely quelled my hunger. I got into a good regimen, and then started exercising. So imagine that I was very disappointed with no weight loss after nearly 4 months.
I had heard about the hCG diet initially from one of my students, and thought the concept interesting, but dismissed it when she told me she kept it off for about a year but then put it right back on when she got under stress.
I did, though, recall immediately when she told me about it, that when I was pregnant with my first child -- I lost like 30 pounds in the first 6 weeks of my pregancy, and desired to eat nothing but vegetables. I was a little alarmed at the time because I didn't know about hCG or how it works. But putting two and two together upon hearing about the diet, I knew that it could work.
I didn't consider it for a while because it seemed so expensive. But then family members got into it, and it worked for them. I got a writing gig that required me to research it and write about it, so then I was actually informed. The key thing for me was that I had already made serious lifestyle modifications, so doing the hCG diet was simply a matter of rearranging things and making a few different food choices instead of trying to drastically diet from a lifetime of bad habits. So I knew it was doable.
I intended to have a doctor's help, but when I called the VA, they wouldn't touch it, even when I told them diet and exercise wasn't enough for me. I had already made up my mind fully to do it, when, during a shopping trip to Sunflower last week, I spied the hCG drops at the checkout counter. Radically lower priced than anything else I'd seen, I decided on the spot that I would try it. If it didn't work, no great loss -- I would only be out $40 instead of hundreds.
I came home and read the brochures. So these were homeopathic drops. I ignored the many online criticisms I had read of the drops whose complaint was that the drops contained none of the actual hormone. I knew what homeopathy was all about, and those critics missed the point completely. Homeopathy is an energy medicine. The original batch of the remedy has the hormone in it, then it's diluted and succussed over and over to produce various strengths. In the end, it's about the energy of the hormone which is left in the remedy and that its effect is actually anywhere from 10 to a 1000 times stronger than the original substance. Remember Masaru Emoto and the fact that water remembers? Same principle exactly.
So I had great confidence in the drops. I stopped by my local co-op and bought the extra foods that I needed for the diet that I hadn't purchased as a matter of course at Sunflower. I was armed and ready.
So now, I'm halfway into day 4. The first two days don't really "count" in my book, because those are the fat-loading days when you eat all you can of certain fats in order to create extra energy stores for yourself as you begin.
Yesterday was Day 3 on the drops, but Day 1 of the actuall 500 calorie diet. NOW -- THIS is why I'm writing this blog. I want to be support to any of you who remain skeptical about this diet, and I want to encourage you that it can be flexible and not rigid.
People ask, "Can I just eat ANY 500 calories I want?" No. HOWEVER, having said that, this is where I am departing from the rigidity. I know my body and what it will and will not tolerate. Hunger is not my problem, nor is bad food. I eat 90% organic, ovo-lacto vegetarian. I have developed an aversion for most meat as an entree. I keep my protein high and my carb intake lower, and eat enough fat to be satisfied.
That, combined with the fact that there seem to be almost as many hCG food lists as there are doctors who prescribe it (although they all have similarities), and I realized that if I am to be successful at this, I have to do what I know works for my body. Although I haven't been able to lose weight, I know why now, having read Dr. Mercola's diet plan. And I know what kinds of things will sabotage a diet for me every time.
The lucky thing is that often fatties like me are experts in nutrition. We know all about food and how and why it affects us like it does because we've spent YEARS working with it, reading and researching it, and trying just about everything.
All that to say, NO, you can't eat just any 500 calories for it to work. BUT, I am going to work what I KNOW will work for me within the boundaries of true common sense.
I know that the reason I failed at my second attempt at Adkins was because of my meat aversion. I just couldn't eat all that was required. So I knew this would be the same way. My plan? My protein will be primarily milk, fresh farmer's cheese (feta, in my case), occasionally a chicken thigh, occasionally shrimp, and maybe a little more often, nuts.
So, after the fat loading stage, by Day 3 the hCG was kicking in. My breasts were tender (like they are when they get the signal to start building the lactation network).
Because a friend of mine had told me that she fainted one day after walking when she was on it, armed with that knowledge, I decided to make some modifications. No way was I going to give up my daily walks (in fact, I plan to increase them now). And I know low-blood sugar all too well and the effect it has on me. So, between knowing what I have to do to keep from having low blood-sugar as well as my meat aversion, I made some changes in the diet.
I am allowed two vegetables, two fruits, and two entrees (meat or protein), plus a piece of melba toast or grissini. So, I added a third high protein snack and eliminated the bread. I have some rye-crisp on hand if I need more fiber occasionally.
I started my day with a cup of tea and an apple. I took my usual walk. I had 2 cups of salad for lunch. You are not supposed to mix your veggies, but I had read too many comments by doctors who said they couldn't figure out the logic of that, so I ignored it. I had a cup of lettuce with some mushrooms, onion, and balsamic vinegar. My big meal of the day was 8 oz of milk with a handful of strawberries, plus 1 egg yolk and 4 egg whites all mixed into a giant smoothie. That was cheating, too, because I ate 2 protein portions at once. But I had already determined to add an extra protein portion because I knew that was what would keep my blood sugar stable.
Later in the day I had a cup of black coffee, and a handful of nuts (definitely not on the list, but consistent with my own protein/fat needs).
I was very pleased that when I fixed pork tacos and corn-on-the-cob later in the day for Gayle, I was not even tempted to sneak anything, nor did I feel deprived.
And as we watched X-Files in the evening, he had his buttery, cheesy popcorn, and I had a nice Pink Lady apple -- so fragrant and tasty! Again, I had no regrets nor even a twinge of feeling deprived. It was all good.
I did crash for a nap in the afternoon, but that may have been because I had been up till midnight and gotten up at 6.
This morning, I felt refreshed after 7 hours sleep, and eager to continue. I had 2 cups of coffee and 1/2 grapefruit for breakfast. Lunch was a salad of one small cucumber, 7 grape tomatoes - halved, a few slices of onion and 5 rings of a tiny orange bell pepper and topped it with 100 grams of feta. Again, I combined my veggies (bell peppers are NOT on the food list. Nor were yesterday's mushrooms, but at 15 calories per 1/2 cup, I wasn't worried about it since I only had 2 mushrooms. Only cottage cheese is allowed on the list, but I figured it wasn't much different from the feta nutritionally, and the feta was certainly more flavorful.
I'm now sipping a glass of home-brewed tea. Dr. Mercola said you don't want to chug your water/liquids, sipping is best. I always knew the formula was 8 eight-ounce glasses per day (to start), but I never knew why it was framed that way. He said if you drink more than 8 ounces per hour, it just goes right through you into the toilet, where if you sip all day, it will do it's job and flush out all the fat and toxins. Oh-hhhhhhhhhhhh. Makes sense.
I need to measure myself today and write it down. I don't have a scale (what? how can I diet without a scale?), but I know that if the losses are as significant as I expect them to be, I'll be able to tell quickly, and measuring weekly will be a good way to tell as well. (Probably better.) I know you're supposed to watch for 2 pound gains during the rest and maintenance periods, so I'll likely invest in a scale by then. But you know what? I was tired of being fat, and I knew if I put it off until I had all the right equipment and the right this and the right that, that I would put it off indefinitely.
So please -- this could be a great forum of support for the final hold-outs who think it might be a good idea, but are just not sure. Comment, and I'll respond.
How much do I have to lose? My goal is 90 pounds. My naturopathic doctor told me 100 pounds. You know what -- in the 14 years that I've been going to the women's clinic at the VA, they've never once told me I needed to lose weight. Why? Because all my allopathic doctors have been as overweight as I am. It seems they would rather cost the government thousands in invasive tests to find out what's "wrong" with me rather than say, "Hey, honey -- you could stand to lose a few pounds. Like about 100."
I won't write about this every day, I'll do other things in between, because I know not all my readers out there are dieting. But this is in conjunction with my latest adventure, so I thought it belonged here.
Have a FABULOUS day!
One of my final hurdles to optimum health is my weight. Despite drastically changing my diet, and beginning an exercise program 4 months ago, I don't seem to have lost a pound nor an inch.
I know that I'm insulin resistant, and I have at last been able to equate my insulin resistance with my ever spiking blood pressure, and got that under control with exercise and cinnamon capsules (recommended by my wonderful, crunchy daughter-in-law!). So now that I have both presence of mind and time to implement, I began looking for the perfect diet plan.
I have never been much into "fad diets," and especially nothing that required outside intervention such as pharmaceuticals or surgery. I had lost 30 pounds on a low-fat diet, but gained it all right back after I stopped journaling everything. I had lost 30 pounds on the Atkins diet. I managed to keep that off for several years, until I abandoned the whole high protein/low carb scheme in a prolonged ice cream indulgence with my new partner.
I knew what to do this time, and taking a test on Dr. Mercola's site had identified me as a "Protein type." That went well with everything I knew about my eating habits. So eliminating certain foods, and upping the protein again, completely quelled my hunger. I got into a good regimen, and then started exercising. So imagine that I was very disappointed with no weight loss after nearly 4 months.
I had heard about the hCG diet initially from one of my students, and thought the concept interesting, but dismissed it when she told me she kept it off for about a year but then put it right back on when she got under stress.
I did, though, recall immediately when she told me about it, that when I was pregnant with my first child -- I lost like 30 pounds in the first 6 weeks of my pregancy, and desired to eat nothing but vegetables. I was a little alarmed at the time because I didn't know about hCG or how it works. But putting two and two together upon hearing about the diet, I knew that it could work.
I didn't consider it for a while because it seemed so expensive. But then family members got into it, and it worked for them. I got a writing gig that required me to research it and write about it, so then I was actually informed. The key thing for me was that I had already made serious lifestyle modifications, so doing the hCG diet was simply a matter of rearranging things and making a few different food choices instead of trying to drastically diet from a lifetime of bad habits. So I knew it was doable.
I intended to have a doctor's help, but when I called the VA, they wouldn't touch it, even when I told them diet and exercise wasn't enough for me. I had already made up my mind fully to do it, when, during a shopping trip to Sunflower last week, I spied the hCG drops at the checkout counter. Radically lower priced than anything else I'd seen, I decided on the spot that I would try it. If it didn't work, no great loss -- I would only be out $40 instead of hundreds.
I came home and read the brochures. So these were homeopathic drops. I ignored the many online criticisms I had read of the drops whose complaint was that the drops contained none of the actual hormone. I knew what homeopathy was all about, and those critics missed the point completely. Homeopathy is an energy medicine. The original batch of the remedy has the hormone in it, then it's diluted and succussed over and over to produce various strengths. In the end, it's about the energy of the hormone which is left in the remedy and that its effect is actually anywhere from 10 to a 1000 times stronger than the original substance. Remember Masaru Emoto and the fact that water remembers? Same principle exactly.
So I had great confidence in the drops. I stopped by my local co-op and bought the extra foods that I needed for the diet that I hadn't purchased as a matter of course at Sunflower. I was armed and ready.
So now, I'm halfway into day 4. The first two days don't really "count" in my book, because those are the fat-loading days when you eat all you can of certain fats in order to create extra energy stores for yourself as you begin.
Yesterday was Day 3 on the drops, but Day 1 of the actuall 500 calorie diet. NOW -- THIS is why I'm writing this blog. I want to be support to any of you who remain skeptical about this diet, and I want to encourage you that it can be flexible and not rigid.
People ask, "Can I just eat ANY 500 calories I want?" No. HOWEVER, having said that, this is where I am departing from the rigidity. I know my body and what it will and will not tolerate. Hunger is not my problem, nor is bad food. I eat 90% organic, ovo-lacto vegetarian. I have developed an aversion for most meat as an entree. I keep my protein high and my carb intake lower, and eat enough fat to be satisfied.
That, combined with the fact that there seem to be almost as many hCG food lists as there are doctors who prescribe it (although they all have similarities), and I realized that if I am to be successful at this, I have to do what I know works for my body. Although I haven't been able to lose weight, I know why now, having read Dr. Mercola's diet plan. And I know what kinds of things will sabotage a diet for me every time.
The lucky thing is that often fatties like me are experts in nutrition. We know all about food and how and why it affects us like it does because we've spent YEARS working with it, reading and researching it, and trying just about everything.
All that to say, NO, you can't eat just any 500 calories for it to work. BUT, I am going to work what I KNOW will work for me within the boundaries of true common sense.
I know that the reason I failed at my second attempt at Adkins was because of my meat aversion. I just couldn't eat all that was required. So I knew this would be the same way. My plan? My protein will be primarily milk, fresh farmer's cheese (feta, in my case), occasionally a chicken thigh, occasionally shrimp, and maybe a little more often, nuts.
So, after the fat loading stage, by Day 3 the hCG was kicking in. My breasts were tender (like they are when they get the signal to start building the lactation network).
Because a friend of mine had told me that she fainted one day after walking when she was on it, armed with that knowledge, I decided to make some modifications. No way was I going to give up my daily walks (in fact, I plan to increase them now). And I know low-blood sugar all too well and the effect it has on me. So, between knowing what I have to do to keep from having low blood-sugar as well as my meat aversion, I made some changes in the diet.
I am allowed two vegetables, two fruits, and two entrees (meat or protein), plus a piece of melba toast or grissini. So, I added a third high protein snack and eliminated the bread. I have some rye-crisp on hand if I need more fiber occasionally.
I started my day with a cup of tea and an apple. I took my usual walk. I had 2 cups of salad for lunch. You are not supposed to mix your veggies, but I had read too many comments by doctors who said they couldn't figure out the logic of that, so I ignored it. I had a cup of lettuce with some mushrooms, onion, and balsamic vinegar. My big meal of the day was 8 oz of milk with a handful of strawberries, plus 1 egg yolk and 4 egg whites all mixed into a giant smoothie. That was cheating, too, because I ate 2 protein portions at once. But I had already determined to add an extra protein portion because I knew that was what would keep my blood sugar stable.
Later in the day I had a cup of black coffee, and a handful of nuts (definitely not on the list, but consistent with my own protein/fat needs).
I was very pleased that when I fixed pork tacos and corn-on-the-cob later in the day for Gayle, I was not even tempted to sneak anything, nor did I feel deprived.
And as we watched X-Files in the evening, he had his buttery, cheesy popcorn, and I had a nice Pink Lady apple -- so fragrant and tasty! Again, I had no regrets nor even a twinge of feeling deprived. It was all good.
I did crash for a nap in the afternoon, but that may have been because I had been up till midnight and gotten up at 6.
This morning, I felt refreshed after 7 hours sleep, and eager to continue. I had 2 cups of coffee and 1/2 grapefruit for breakfast. Lunch was a salad of one small cucumber, 7 grape tomatoes - halved, a few slices of onion and 5 rings of a tiny orange bell pepper and topped it with 100 grams of feta. Again, I combined my veggies (bell peppers are NOT on the food list. Nor were yesterday's mushrooms, but at 15 calories per 1/2 cup, I wasn't worried about it since I only had 2 mushrooms. Only cottage cheese is allowed on the list, but I figured it wasn't much different from the feta nutritionally, and the feta was certainly more flavorful.
I'm now sipping a glass of home-brewed tea. Dr. Mercola said you don't want to chug your water/liquids, sipping is best. I always knew the formula was 8 eight-ounce glasses per day (to start), but I never knew why it was framed that way. He said if you drink more than 8 ounces per hour, it just goes right through you into the toilet, where if you sip all day, it will do it's job and flush out all the fat and toxins. Oh-hhhhhhhhhhhh. Makes sense.
I need to measure myself today and write it down. I don't have a scale (what? how can I diet without a scale?), but I know that if the losses are as significant as I expect them to be, I'll be able to tell quickly, and measuring weekly will be a good way to tell as well. (Probably better.) I know you're supposed to watch for 2 pound gains during the rest and maintenance periods, so I'll likely invest in a scale by then. But you know what? I was tired of being fat, and I knew if I put it off until I had all the right equipment and the right this and the right that, that I would put it off indefinitely.
So please -- this could be a great forum of support for the final hold-outs who think it might be a good idea, but are just not sure. Comment, and I'll respond.
How much do I have to lose? My goal is 90 pounds. My naturopathic doctor told me 100 pounds. You know what -- in the 14 years that I've been going to the women's clinic at the VA, they've never once told me I needed to lose weight. Why? Because all my allopathic doctors have been as overweight as I am. It seems they would rather cost the government thousands in invasive tests to find out what's "wrong" with me rather than say, "Hey, honey -- you could stand to lose a few pounds. Like about 100."
I won't write about this every day, I'll do other things in between, because I know not all my readers out there are dieting. But this is in conjunction with my latest adventure, so I thought it belonged here.
Have a FABULOUS day!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Breathing words + healing
I am a writer. I am filled with philosophies and tales and wondrous descriptions, deep thoughts and fabulous ideas. But why do so few of my inspirations reach the written page? I realize that I bog myself down by writing everything in the same self-conscious way. When I'm writing an informative article, I must, of course, consider my audience. If I am marketing a piece, I must consider many things. But when I just want to breathe words, I realize quite a different strategy must be employed.
I realized today that the problem with writing is the same problem we have with living and thinking -- we are narrating the past -- something we envisioned or heard from our muse a moment ago.
When I was a literature student, I never really got into reading "stream-of-consciousness" literature, but I think now that I should employ a semblance of that.
My thoughts of late are carried by the breeze in the instant. This is when I am the most lucid.
I have had several catalysts over the past two years, all of which have carried me aloft and taught me so much. I want to share these things with you in the hope that something here will inspire YOU to new heights, new dimensions, something that will help engender greater freedom for you as it has for me.
For the first 45 years or so of my learning, everything was very orderly and built on previous lessons, but they also carried the heaviness of the baggage I drew along behind me moment by moment, year after year.
I had a huge paradigm shift about 10 years ago that began to open new dimensions for me, but each subsequent catalyst has increased that exponentially.
For 45 years, I mostly only allowed thoughts from one paradigm to influence me. My only saving grace was my diehard desperation to understand why I thought like I did which seemed so vastly different from others ensconced in the same worldview.
It was the discovery of the mystics in Seminary that led me to understand why my thinking was so different from those of my contemporaries. And when at last I understood that there were, "...more things in this world, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy..." my world began to expand. It wasn't that I didn't know about those "more things" before; it was that I didn't realize that everyone didn't incorporate them into their thinking, and that's where the separation began.
One of the first things a new lover taught me in 2005 and then proceeded to reinforce with every exposure is that, "Everything you know is wrong," the mantra of the Firesign Theatre album of the same name. That same year I read Dr. Christopher Hyatt & Antero Alli's Modern Shaman's Guide to a Pregnant Universe and it catapulted my thinking.
The Modern Shaman's Guide told me I had to find and eradicate my "hideous corpuscle" which I came to understand in time as my Ego.
And that is enough of the history lesson. I just want to thank my teacher's in these past few years: first, the big three -- Thom Cooper, Gayle Colopy and Eckhart Tolle. Thom was my group therapist when I hit bottom, Gayle is my life partner and my inspiration, and Eckhart Tolle is the man who wrote in one sentence the words that healed my past. Not that there weren't a thousand other catalysts to that healing, but his words put all of it together, pierced me to the heart, divided bone and marrow, and put the ointment on the wound that allowed the festering to stop so that it could heal, once and for all.
I realized today that the problem with writing is the same problem we have with living and thinking -- we are narrating the past -- something we envisioned or heard from our muse a moment ago.
When I was a literature student, I never really got into reading "stream-of-consciousness" literature, but I think now that I should employ a semblance of that.
My thoughts of late are carried by the breeze in the instant. This is when I am the most lucid.
I have had several catalysts over the past two years, all of which have carried me aloft and taught me so much. I want to share these things with you in the hope that something here will inspire YOU to new heights, new dimensions, something that will help engender greater freedom for you as it has for me.
For the first 45 years or so of my learning, everything was very orderly and built on previous lessons, but they also carried the heaviness of the baggage I drew along behind me moment by moment, year after year.
I had a huge paradigm shift about 10 years ago that began to open new dimensions for me, but each subsequent catalyst has increased that exponentially.
For 45 years, I mostly only allowed thoughts from one paradigm to influence me. My only saving grace was my diehard desperation to understand why I thought like I did which seemed so vastly different from others ensconced in the same worldview.
It was the discovery of the mystics in Seminary that led me to understand why my thinking was so different from those of my contemporaries. And when at last I understood that there were, "...more things in this world, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy..." my world began to expand. It wasn't that I didn't know about those "more things" before; it was that I didn't realize that everyone didn't incorporate them into their thinking, and that's where the separation began.
One of the first things a new lover taught me in 2005 and then proceeded to reinforce with every exposure is that, "Everything you know is wrong," the mantra of the Firesign Theatre album of the same name. That same year I read Dr. Christopher Hyatt & Antero Alli's Modern Shaman's Guide to a Pregnant Universe and it catapulted my thinking.
The Modern Shaman's Guide told me I had to find and eradicate my "hideous corpuscle" which I came to understand in time as my Ego.
And that is enough of the history lesson. I just want to thank my teacher's in these past few years: first, the big three -- Thom Cooper, Gayle Colopy and Eckhart Tolle. Thom was my group therapist when I hit bottom, Gayle is my life partner and my inspiration, and Eckhart Tolle is the man who wrote in one sentence the words that healed my past. Not that there weren't a thousand other catalysts to that healing, but his words put all of it together, pierced me to the heart, divided bone and marrow, and put the ointment on the wound that allowed the festering to stop so that it could heal, once and for all.
"How absurd men are!"
The philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard writes, "How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have..."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Perception, Ego, and the Now
It's been nearly 8 weeks since I posted. Life has definitely been in the fast lane for those weeks -- mostly in the cerebral realms!
Yes, we've moved -- we're trying out Show Low for the summer. Even considering staying for the year. I can't imagine, though, what mountain winter is like after 16 years in California and Arizona.
And, of course, I've spent those 16 years reluctantly giving away all my mountain clothes. ><
But on the subject of "my life since EquiSync," I can barely keep up with what's going on. www.eocinstitute.org
No lie. It has drastically decreased my usual irritability, and it significantly lowers my blood pressure.
But the beauty of it goes far beyond that. I am experiencing a serious increase in creativity, motivation, peace, and best yet, the Law of Attraction at work.
I have been using the Law of Attraction for several years now, and it works well for me, but the meditation has really ramped it up.
And now, for the first time, I understand a concept in a way I have never understood it before: why meditation works; no, I mean why it REALLY works.
And I found that information in a very unexpected place.
I knew it worked, but I hadn't gotten it to work for me. Then I read and heard enough that I knew I would "grow" no further until I was able to meditate.
Believe me, I'm not attributing everything to the EquiSync. EquiSync was what worked to get me into the silence. I will be glad when my brain is trained and I no longer have to rely on the recordings, when I can get into the space by myself.
I have long heard the importance of meditation to assist one to "live in the now." But I really only had a vague idea of what that meant. Until I experienced it. But the experience was inarticulable for me (is that a word?) until I read something.
The last time I was in the library, I was led to pick up a Carlos Castaneda book. Now, I've had the opportunity to read Castaneda for years, but was never interested. I had A Yaqui Way of Knowledge on my own bookshelf for years and never even opened it. You see, I was stupidly swayed by the opinions of academics who went out of their way to try to discredit his work. All I can say is, they completely miss the point.
Anyway, I picked up Tales of Power because I have been extremely interested in storytelling as magic for the last couple of years. (Yeah, so interested that I have several books about it on my bookshelf -- that I've never read.) But I had found my own magical power(s) through storytelling, and I do mean to read what others have to say about it.
ANYway, I was absolutely blown away by the concepts in Tales of Power. It is so pithy in a psychological, philosophical, and practical way that I can only read a few pages, then I have to stop to digest and visualize what I have read. I have found it amazing, to say the least. More proof to me that the ancients took as given the things that our society is just now beginning to understand/explain through quantum concepts.
But most of all, I loved the concept Castaneda put forth about man's inner monologue -- I'm sure many philosophers have said the same thing, but most philosophy books are intellectually inaccessible to me. Most of what I know about philosophy, I've either intuited myself or had it distilled for me by someone else. (An interesting insight into that particular phenomenon is had by watching the movie "Leaves of Grass."
According to Castaneda, our monologue that is so difficult to quash, is our moment by moment processing and perception of the world. The problem is that it's always in the PAST! Maybe only by a millisecond or so, but still in the past. We are just iterating what we just perceived. Combining what Ekhart Tolle says with what Castaneda says, it must be the ego that does the narrating because it's the toughest bugger to kill that I have ever encountered. It fights!
Having that realization also led me to understand that when someone is talking about the Warrior, he or she is talking about one engaged in the battle to quell the Ego.
So, the upshot of all this is that it is imperative to stop that internal monologue long enough to experience the NOW. Before Castaneda, I understood that everyone said it was important, but not having experienced it, I didn't truly understand it. The NOW is the only way to be a Shaman, to walk between the worlds. To truly understand other dimensions and spirits. I have worked with spirits since before I was an adult. But I see now that it was always past perception rather than a knowing in the NOW. Only in the NOW can I progress.
Yes, we've moved -- we're trying out Show Low for the summer. Even considering staying for the year. I can't imagine, though, what mountain winter is like after 16 years in California and Arizona.
And, of course, I've spent those 16 years reluctantly giving away all my mountain clothes. ><
But on the subject of "my life since EquiSync," I can barely keep up with what's going on. www.eocinstitute.org
No lie. It has drastically decreased my usual irritability, and it significantly lowers my blood pressure.
But the beauty of it goes far beyond that. I am experiencing a serious increase in creativity, motivation, peace, and best yet, the Law of Attraction at work.
I have been using the Law of Attraction for several years now, and it works well for me, but the meditation has really ramped it up.
And now, for the first time, I understand a concept in a way I have never understood it before: why meditation works; no, I mean why it REALLY works.
And I found that information in a very unexpected place.
I knew it worked, but I hadn't gotten it to work for me. Then I read and heard enough that I knew I would "grow" no further until I was able to meditate.
Believe me, I'm not attributing everything to the EquiSync. EquiSync was what worked to get me into the silence. I will be glad when my brain is trained and I no longer have to rely on the recordings, when I can get into the space by myself.
I have long heard the importance of meditation to assist one to "live in the now." But I really only had a vague idea of what that meant. Until I experienced it. But the experience was inarticulable for me (is that a word?) until I read something.
The last time I was in the library, I was led to pick up a Carlos Castaneda book. Now, I've had the opportunity to read Castaneda for years, but was never interested. I had A Yaqui Way of Knowledge on my own bookshelf for years and never even opened it. You see, I was stupidly swayed by the opinions of academics who went out of their way to try to discredit his work. All I can say is, they completely miss the point.
Anyway, I picked up Tales of Power because I have been extremely interested in storytelling as magic for the last couple of years. (Yeah, so interested that I have several books about it on my bookshelf -- that I've never read.) But I had found my own magical power(s) through storytelling, and I do mean to read what others have to say about it.
ANYway, I was absolutely blown away by the concepts in Tales of Power. It is so pithy in a psychological, philosophical, and practical way that I can only read a few pages, then I have to stop to digest and visualize what I have read. I have found it amazing, to say the least. More proof to me that the ancients took as given the things that our society is just now beginning to understand/explain through quantum concepts.
But most of all, I loved the concept Castaneda put forth about man's inner monologue -- I'm sure many philosophers have said the same thing, but most philosophy books are intellectually inaccessible to me. Most of what I know about philosophy, I've either intuited myself or had it distilled for me by someone else. (An interesting insight into that particular phenomenon is had by watching the movie "Leaves of Grass."
According to Castaneda, our monologue that is so difficult to quash, is our moment by moment processing and perception of the world. The problem is that it's always in the PAST! Maybe only by a millisecond or so, but still in the past. We are just iterating what we just perceived. Combining what Ekhart Tolle says with what Castaneda says, it must be the ego that does the narrating because it's the toughest bugger to kill that I have ever encountered. It fights!
Having that realization also led me to understand that when someone is talking about the Warrior, he or she is talking about one engaged in the battle to quell the Ego.
So, the upshot of all this is that it is imperative to stop that internal monologue long enough to experience the NOW. Before Castaneda, I understood that everyone said it was important, but not having experienced it, I didn't truly understand it. The NOW is the only way to be a Shaman, to walk between the worlds. To truly understand other dimensions and spirits. I have worked with spirits since before I was an adult. But I see now that it was always past perception rather than a knowing in the NOW. Only in the NOW can I progress.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Bleh. Misinformation/Disinformation?
I heard the Public Affairs person for AZ Health Department state today (on the radio) that Marijuana and Oxycontin were both Schedule 1 Narcotics, thus attempting to draw a comparison between the two as to why Medical Marijuana is being so heavily regulated. NOT! 1st of all, Oxycontin is a Schedule 2. 2nd,the average non-medical person does not know that Schedule 1 doesn't mean it's more dangerous. Schedule 1's are thusly nominated because they don't usually have applications in a medical setting, and are illegal such as LSD, Peyote, Marijuana, etc. Schedule 2's are thusly denominated because they are a) highly addictive, b) often abused, and c) have a high street value. It's not even apples and oranges people. It's comparing apples and orangutans.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Holy Wild Dreams, Batman!
I have been having the strangest dreams all week, all with religious connotation, but last night's was the wildest, and I just have to put it down. I'll put the rest of them down in subsequent entries.
I suppose I must have been thinking about all the fish and birds dying of late and subconsciously recalling that that is part of Biblical prophecy. (Am I out of the loop? Probably people have made that comparison already.)
I was walking with a childhood friend, and we were walking to school together. There were a lot of other students around us. We were chatting heartily and we suddenly realized that it was quiet, and that we had walked way too far. She immediately made the decision to go back, but as we were looking for different buildings, I continued on my path.
For a while the neighborhood was at least familiar, but as I walked farther, I began to see different signs of familiarity and realized that I was in Athens, Greece. I looked at my watch, and instead of it being shortly after 8, which I expected, it was past 10. I became a little more urgent in my looking because I had missed both my 8:00 and 9:00 classes. (Forgetting, I guess, that I had changed countries somewhere in my walk.)
I started seeing signs of displaced people, hundreds of them, as I walked. I continued to walk and look, and it seemed everywhere that people were either in a dither or acting resigned. Finally I stopped and asked what the deal was. One woman said "Tomorrow is the Sun in Krakatoa!" I didn't recognize the reference, but her near hysteria caused me to ask, "The end of the world?" She nodded vehemently.
I started looking around. First, airplanes went overhead, dropping this lavender liquid. Some people were running from it, others were bathing in it and making a mud with it and spreading it on their skin. When I asked the reason, I was told that it would make white people invisible when the end came, so that they would not die. But I knew they were deluded, and the majority were running from it.
Suddenly the streets began to flood. I was at a vantage point to see the beach and the Mediterranean. The waters were roiling and encroaching on the city. Some were just running around crazily, others were trying to get to higher ground.
All of a sudden, I was being chased by a growling reptilian monster which I called a kraken*. I eluded it at some point, and kept moving to higher and higher ground. At the last, I was on a promontory, looking out over the city which was being destroyed by the high water. There were people marooned in spots and many up near where I was, just waiting in horror for the waters to overcome them.
As I looked out, there was a guy out over the water in a boom with a megaphone, preaching repentance and doom. I shouted to be heard above him, and I said, "You are a fraud!" Then I looked up to heaven, and plunged my fist into the air and shouted, "God! You promised not to destroy this world by flood again!" Immediately, the sun shone behind the clouds, and then through the clouds. The clouds dissipated, the waters withdrew, and everyone started to cheer.
I awoke.
*Upon waking, I was thinking a kraken was something I had seen in Clash of the Titans, but when I looked it up, it is actually a sea creature of Nordic legend, more like a giant octopus.
I suppose I must have been thinking about all the fish and birds dying of late and subconsciously recalling that that is part of Biblical prophecy. (Am I out of the loop? Probably people have made that comparison already.)
I was walking with a childhood friend, and we were walking to school together. There were a lot of other students around us. We were chatting heartily and we suddenly realized that it was quiet, and that we had walked way too far. She immediately made the decision to go back, but as we were looking for different buildings, I continued on my path.
For a while the neighborhood was at least familiar, but as I walked farther, I began to see different signs of familiarity and realized that I was in Athens, Greece. I looked at my watch, and instead of it being shortly after 8, which I expected, it was past 10. I became a little more urgent in my looking because I had missed both my 8:00 and 9:00 classes. (Forgetting, I guess, that I had changed countries somewhere in my walk.)
I started seeing signs of displaced people, hundreds of them, as I walked. I continued to walk and look, and it seemed everywhere that people were either in a dither or acting resigned. Finally I stopped and asked what the deal was. One woman said "Tomorrow is the Sun in Krakatoa!" I didn't recognize the reference, but her near hysteria caused me to ask, "The end of the world?" She nodded vehemently.
I started looking around. First, airplanes went overhead, dropping this lavender liquid. Some people were running from it, others were bathing in it and making a mud with it and spreading it on their skin. When I asked the reason, I was told that it would make white people invisible when the end came, so that they would not die. But I knew they were deluded, and the majority were running from it.
Suddenly the streets began to flood. I was at a vantage point to see the beach and the Mediterranean. The waters were roiling and encroaching on the city. Some were just running around crazily, others were trying to get to higher ground.
All of a sudden, I was being chased by a growling reptilian monster which I called a kraken*. I eluded it at some point, and kept moving to higher and higher ground. At the last, I was on a promontory, looking out over the city which was being destroyed by the high water. There were people marooned in spots and many up near where I was, just waiting in horror for the waters to overcome them.
As I looked out, there was a guy out over the water in a boom with a megaphone, preaching repentance and doom. I shouted to be heard above him, and I said, "You are a fraud!" Then I looked up to heaven, and plunged my fist into the air and shouted, "God! You promised not to destroy this world by flood again!" Immediately, the sun shone behind the clouds, and then through the clouds. The clouds dissipated, the waters withdrew, and everyone started to cheer.
I awoke.
*Upon waking, I was thinking a kraken was something I had seen in Clash of the Titans, but when I looked it up, it is actually a sea creature of Nordic legend, more like a giant octopus.
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